The Trans & the Furious
Before undergoing gender affirming surgery in late December 2023 with a long recovery period to follow, my husband Ben and I solicited friends for recommendations on queer films to watch during this time period. We received many wonderful suggestions.
And yet.
Somehow, we ended up launching full-throttle into The Fast & Furious franchise—more than a little gay in the subtext, but not exactly what I expected. However, given the mushy state of my brain, it was about all that I had the intellectual capacity for.
I was intrigued by these films (see points one through three below), but had never actually watched any of them. Ben had seen the first and third, but good God, there are TEN movies. We knew that at the very least, it would be enough to keep us occupied. (Surprise! There are actually eleven of these bad boys, if you include the spin-off, Hobbs & Shaw)
So, I began this quest knowing the following things about The Fast & the Furious films:
Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez are in it; both childhood crushes of mine (see Pitch Black and Lost, respectively).
There’s a slamming Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth song that goes with one of the movies (In my opinion, this is the ONLY good Charlie Puth song).
“Are we talking or are we racing?” is a line.
Ludacris flies a car into outer space at some point during one of the later installments.
One of the actors in it died???
In the following, I shall present highlights of each film in the franchise and note how we achieve maximum velocity towards all points above, with special curiosity about how we arrive at Ludacris traveling through outer space in a motorized vehicle. After each summary, I’ll share an updated ranking of all the films watched up until that point, as well as the location(s) and whatever standard trope played a crucial role in the storyline, such as it is. Beware that, like the movies themselves, each analysis below grows steadily more unhinged.
Also, SPOILERS. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.
So, dear reader, fill up your tank and make sure you’ve got plenty of NOS to help get you across the finish line, because it’s going to be a looooooooooong ride.
The Fast & the Furious
Muscle Tanks: the Musical. The first of the franchise. Iconic. Imperative viewing. Vin Diesel’s (Dominick “Dom” Torretto) charisma strings the thin plot and Paul Walker (Brian O’Conner) along with meaningful eye contact and the magnitude of his forearms. First appearance of Chekhov’s car. Director of photography gets points in this one. We go into the motor. Excellent soundtrack and supremely 2001 lewqs.
Location: Los Angeles
Trope: Ruse (Brian conning everyone else)
Ranking: 1
2 Fast 2 Furious
GAAAAAAY. The number of times the words “bro” or “bruh” are uttered in this cinematic wonder is incalculable. 1st canonical appearance of Ludacris. A car flies over another car over a drawbridge, and then later a car careens through the air to land on a boat out to sea. (We are on our way to outer space). Enter comedic foil Roman Pearce, played by Tyrese Gibson. Eva Mendes is also here. Least amount of Vin Diesel in the franchise, but this movie is so silly and fun that it gets away with it. The textual warning about not imitating any of the driving moves shown on screen has now risen to the top of the credits sequence, and not the end. We go into the motor.
Location: Miami, Arizona
Trope: Road Trip Romance (Brian and Roman)
Ranking: 1, 2
The Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift
Notable because it features both some of the best and WORST driving. The drift is straight up elegant, but our protagonist, whose name I have already forgotten, is dreadful at it. Otherwise, Vin Diesel's cameo and the first canonical appearance of Han is all that is redeeming about this movie. See Fast 5 for a better balance of these subjects. Miraculously, this is the least mature of the films thus far, which truly is saying something. (For instance, a car is featured that resembles the Mighty Hulk.) Very little to do with space. We go into the motor.
Location: Tokyo, Alabama (briefly)
Trope: White Savior (See forgettable protagonist)
Ranking: 1, 2, 3
Fast & Furious
Okay, this one was actually really great. Notable for character development, giving the actors the opportunity to occasionally act. Brian’s love interest (Mia) has started to dress like a suburban mom. (WHAT was wardrobe doing? Note: Ben thought she looked nice) Hilarious GPS sequence. First canonical appearance of Gal Godot. Forensic analysis by Vin Diesel of Letty’s crash site reminiscent of Aragorn tracking hobbits across the plains of Rohan in The Two Towers. Vin Diesel’s car is legit very cool in this one. Director of Photography kicking ass and taking names. In terms of approaching outer space, we do fly out of a mountainside in a car. We go into the chip/motor.
Location: Los Angeles, Mexico
Trope: Enemies to Lovers (Brian and Dom)
Ranking: This one pulls to the front! 4, 1, 2, 3
Fast Five
At this point, the franchise attempts to transcend from a series of films about street racing to generic action movies, largely due to the first canonical appearance of Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson. Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel get into a fist fight, like two indistinguishable well-muscled thumbs. Inconceivably, Vin Diesel wins. (He is a producer, I suppose) Fast Five wins the award for most wanton property damage yet. In terms of reaching outer space in a motor vehicle, Ludacris makes his triumphant return in this one, and a car does fly off of a huge bridge into a river. Everyone looks like a Mom or Dad now. Least amount of cool driving so far—we don’t even see the key races in which cars are acquired via ubiquitous pink slips. Excellent balance of Vin Diesel and Han. One exploding toilet.
Location: Rio de Janeiro
Trope: Caper (Team of ragtag pals pulling off a heist)
Ranking: 4, 1, 2, 5, 3
Fast & Furious 6 (Honestly what even are these naming conventions???)
The closest to space yet!!! Climax involves a military plane with multiple cars dangling from it, while inexplicably carrying several cars in its cargo hold. We also drive a tank in this film, which is one step closer from a car to a spaceship. Ludacris himself does not fly anything yet, but after traveling on the longest runway known to man in the last twenty minutes of the movie, eventually the military plane does become airborne (cars and all). Brian drives a car out of the cargo hold. The plane then catches fire and Vin Diesel drives out of its flaming nose in a car. Mia and Brian are officially Moms and Dads now, yet despite the repeated textual focus on family and the return of Letty, this is the most soulless and vapid movie yet, featuring the world’s most boring villain. Highlights include: Vin Diesel’s airborne head butt inside the cargo hold of the airplane, destroying his opponent, a man with similar physique to Dwayne Johnson, but who has hair, and then SURPRISE, IT’S JASON STATHAM! at the end of the film. So, there will now be a total of four thumbs vying for the camera (Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Tyrese Gibson, and Jason Statham). #thumbwars
Also, I guess we’re done going inside the motor now???
Location: London and Spain
Trope: Amnesia (Letty)
Ranking: 4, 1, 2, 5, 3, 6
Furious 7
I have three words for you on how ridiculous this movie is: SKY. DIVING. CARS. The first half of this film was tiresome, so much so that my beloved husband Ben tapped out of finishing it and I found myself becoming extremely bored and wondering if maybe I had been too hard on Tokyo Drift. (The answer: NO) The show begins with Paul Walker driving minivans and other mom vehicles, and generally struggling with his dad bod. The filmmakers pour one out for the most forward product placement of Corona yet. Major thumb war between the Rock and Jason Statham. But things turned around and the second half of this movie was an absolute fucking delight. It became so ridiculous that in the end, Furious 7 won me over. Highlight’s include:
Vin Diesel deadlifting a fancy red sports car stored in a safe at the top of a skyscraper’s penthouse so Brian can fiddle around with the underbelly. Vin Diesel then drives the fancy red sports car out of the safe and flies it out of not one but TWO skyscrapers. (Wait, maybe it’s three???)
CHEKHOV’S CAR IS BACK, BABY.
The Rock literally flexes his biceps to bust out of a plaster cast.
There are some legitimately great action movie one liners in this one:
“Woman, I AM the cavalry.”
“Time to unleash the beast.”
“You thought this was going to be a street fight? You’re goddamn right it is.”
“The thing about street fights? The street always wins.”
After chasing each other around the world, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham settle their score once and for all by resorting to beating each other to a bloody pulp with two wrenches and spare bits of cars.
We have definitely exceeded the amount of property damage seen in 5 by, like, a lot at this point. New award.
First use of climatic midi choir (cued when Jason Statham and Vin Diesel were whacking each other with wrenches).
OH MY GOD CHEKHOV’S CAR TAKING OUT A HELICOPTER.
At the end, Letty and Brian get into a screaming match about who gets to save Vin Diesel because they both love him so much, but ultimately Michelle Rodriguez wins and the gang lets her do all the acting.
AND THEN OH OKAY HITTING ME IN THE FEELS WITH THIS BRIAN O’CONNER MONTAGE WOW. WIZ KHALIFA AND CHARLIE PUTH SONG HAS ARRIVED. PAUL WALKER HAS OFFICIALLY TAKEN HIS LAST RIDE.
So—rough start. Epic ending.
Location: All over the fucking place. Los Angeles, Abu Dhabi, Azerbaijan, London, IDK, back in LA??
Trope: Retired Badass (Brian is our dissatisfied Dad missing the action of his old life.) Also Jason Statham is a trope in and of himself.
Ranking: 4, 1, 2, 7, 5, 3, 6
Took a brief intermission for:
The Color Purple (1985)
One of the most beautiful films I’ve seen in a long ass time. Highly recommend.
Maestro (2023)
Meh-stro. A more accurate title would be “Just give Carey Mulligan the goddamn Oscar.”
Beauty & the Beast (1991)
Homework for Ben’s upcoming spring musical at John Bapst. Self explanatory.
The Fate of the Furious (GET IT!?!)
Three thumbs get top billing, and you know what, they honestly work really hard for it in this one. Fun to see Dom sweat a little to win a race at the beginning. DILFy Dwayne Johnson is a joy to behold as he leads his daughter’s soccer team in a haka against some very confused 10 year olds. Charlize Theron shows the hell up and gives everyone an acting lesson. Tormund Giantsbane is also here. And finally the gang has evolved from using walkie-talkies to shout quips at each other in the cars to some sort of wireless or bluetooth system. WE ARE DRIVING A CAR INTO A PLANE. Two of our thumbs end up in the same prison (Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham) and they only have eyes for each other, leading to a kickass breakout sequence. Is this the wokest Fast & the Furious movie yet?? Missandei of Nath and Ludacris are the tech dream team. VIN DIESEL IS ACTING!!! Chekhov’s tank is found in a magical garage filled with all kinds of goodies. Hi Helen Mirren! Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson giggle over how much they want to hate fuck. Property damage GALORE. This Mainer gives points for a well placed snow tires joke. Ludacris drives Chekhov’s tank! For some reason at the end of the film the walkie-talkies make a comeback, perhaps because Chekhov’s tank isn’t wired for Bluetooth. Jason Statham comes to the rescue as Secret Agent Dad! Vin Diesel flies his car off a mountain side in Russia and takes out a whole fleet of armored vehicles. We witness an alarming switch from Corona to Budweiser, making me question everything. Note: Ben said he was going to just “watch the beginning” for “context” but then got sucked in. Slightly annoyed that we haven’t gotten to outer space yet, but what can you do, we still had a blast.
Well delivered one liners:
“Keep waiting, bitch.”
“She’s one of the hottest boogeymans I’ve ever seen.”
“Wow. Nasty.”
“Number 11 my ass.”
“YO, SHRINKAGE!”
Locations: Cuba, a kiddie soccer pitch, Berlin, New York City, Vladovin (Russia)
Trope: Reluctant Anti-hero (Dom)
Ranking: 4, 1, 2, 8, 7, 5, 3, 6
Intermission for:
Beauty & the Beast (2017)
Besides the fact that Emma Watson is not the best singer, this is a pretty great movie with an amazing cast and some of the best production design on this side of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. See Luke Evans (world’s most boring villain in Fast & Furious 6) having the time of his life as Gaston, Emma Thompson being generally flawless, and Ewan McGregor charming the pants off of everyone as Lumiere. Ian McKellan is the cutest, oldest monocled man-clock you’ve ever met.
Fast 9
The films seem to be getting longer and longer as we progress. (Nay, it is; I know not ‘seems.’) What started as a regularly programmed, neatly packaged 2 hour escapade is now 2.5 hours long, so buckle up folks. We start off with some Dominic Toretto childhood trauma, then skip ahead to the present timeline, where it looks like Vin Diesel has not missed a single arm day in all his life. Comically bad aim from all the bad guys at the beginning. Like if all the pals were immobilized fish floating in a barrel, they would still escape from this fire fight unscathed. Roman experiences his most stressful opening sequence yet. A MAGNETIC JET PICKS UP A CAR IN THE AIR WHEN IT CAREENS OFF A CLIFF. WE ARE MUCH CLOSER TO SPACE. BUNGEE JUMPING CARS!!!! Somehow, everyone has survived the first 28 minutes of this film. And, SURPRISE: Dom has a baddie brother, played by none other than JOHN CENA. Officially a soap opera with more cars and a bigger budget. Charlize Theron is back. Oh GOD, the forgettable protagonist from Tokyo Drift is back! WHYYYYYY. So is the character formerly known as Twinkie. And look, it’s the return of Mia. AH! ALERT!!! CHEKHOV’S PONTIAC WITH ROCKET ENGINES!!!! SPACE DRAWS NEAR!!! Hi Helen Mirren! (She and Vin Diesel have MAD chemistry, btw) Cardi B is here and running Interpol! Excellent hiring decision, Interpol. HAN IS BACK!!!! As I said, soap opera with cars. John Cena zip lines across Edinburgh. Time to hijack a satellite, which means…
SPACE!!!!
SPACE TIME, BABY!!!!!!!
WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW WE FINALLY MADE IT.
THIS FILM IS BEYOND STUPID, so I’m not surprised that we’ve finally made it into orbit.
Big surprise, the three Torettos kiss and make up at the end and John Cena rides off into the sunset. And naturally, we wrap things up with a big bucket of iced Coronas at a barbecue in LA.
Locations: Mexico, Caspian Sea, Tokyo, London, Köln, Edinburgh, Georgia, Los Angeles, and SPACE!!!!
Trope: Cain & Abel (Dom and Jacob)
Ranking: This one goes ahead of the third movie simply because it gets us to outer space and Han comes back, but was dangerously close to being after 3. No other cast members from Tokyo Drift are welcome. 4, 1, 2, 8, 7, 5, 9, 3, 6
Fast X
Alright. Here we go. FINAL INSTALLMENT! (I’ve decided that the spin-off, Hobbs & Shaw, is for bonus points) If you’ve made it this far into the doc, dear reader, then I applaud you. As you should me for sitting through ten of these movies. So, ARE WE TALKING OR ARE WE RACING?
Remember in Fast Five when we went to Rio and the pals stole a dude’s safe full of money from a drug lord and destroyed half of the city with it? Well, the dude they robbed is back and he’s sending his son Jason Mamoa to kick the gang’s collective ass. We relive the safe sequence, which ends with Jason Mamoa being thrown off a bridge into water—maybe this is secretly his Aquaman origin story? Cut to a barbecue with all the Coronas. Han is single and ready to mingle! Everyone is swiping right on Han!!! Charlize Theron is a good person now because that’s how this series works. All of Jason Mamoa’s outfits are excellent. Quote that sums pretty much everything up: “It’s like a cult with cars.” John Cena is back and he’s also a good guy now because that’s how this series works. It took us a literal hour to get to a street racing scene. Is this still The Fast and the Furious? Vin Diesel just screamed “Let’s RACE!!!” So, yes, still Fast & the Furious. Excellent placement of “Gasolina” by Daddy Yankee.
John Cena and little Brian go on a nostalgic road trip in a shitty car with a kayak on top of it. Han bought a special muffin from Pete Davidson. Ludacris and Roman have had ENOUGH of each other and get into a shitty fist fight in Pete Davidson’s black market London internet cafe. Han is SO HIGH. Letty and Charlize Theron are on two tables like their brains are going to get swapped in some kind of Frankenstein experiment. Turns out John Cena’s kayak was NOT a kayak but a compact jet, which they started with three Smirnoff nips from the in-flight service so they could fly out of a plane. I think the only good thing about this movie is the soundtrack and Jason Mamoa’s jackets. We stumble upon Jason Statham casually doing a workout in London and he and Han have unfinished business. Han doesn’t need to be on any dating app, he just needs to be on Jason Statham. Jason Mamoa has created a very elaborate site specific art installation just for Vin Diesel. OMG this POOR BRIDGE IN RIO CANNOT CATCH A BREAK! Chekhov’s car is somehow in a plane and Vin Diesel flies it out of the plane to save little Brian. Little Brian has already murdered several people at the healthy age of nine or so. Two helicopters use harpoons to catch Chekhov’s car, but Vin Diesel gets the better of them with some NOS. Chekhov’s car is flying down an exploding dam BUT HOT DAMN WE GO INTO THE MOTOR!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!! Apparently Gal Godot saw that Han was trifling on those dating apps and showed up in a submarine to save Letty and Charlize Theron from stumbling across Antarctica.
CLIFF HANGER! I guess this hot mess was too much of a hot mess to wrap up in one film. This means there will inevitably be MORE of these.
So. Until then, have a Corona on me.
Locations: Rio de Janeiro, Los Angeles, Rome, Naples, London, Portugal, Antarctica
Trope: You Killed My Father Revenge Plot (Jason Mamoa)
Ranking: 4, 1, 2, 8, 7, 10, 5, 9, 3, 6
Fin